woke up feeling Pretty crazy not Going to lie. felt like i Needed to take 4 showers. felt like i had cockroaches Under my skin. felt like i couldn’t see Straight. it’s december. it’s been 4 years. i can’t Think and i can’t Write and i can’t find the courage to pick up my Phone and call Mom and say hi Mom, it’s been 4 years and i’m in college now and i’m sorry i ran away but i will Always love you. do you still believe in God. do you still pray the rosary and move your Fingers across the beads and remember your faith. a black bead. a White bead. a black bead. a White bead. forgetting but doing your Best to remember. are you Still alive.

one of the Reasons Christmas time is so Emotional is because it brings Back all of the Christmas times from the Past into your Heart like they are the Christmas times of the present. some People call this tradition but There are a lot of other names you could Call it too. this is Really hard on some people. some people Go scrooge mode and some People kill themselves or take Drugs and overdose on Drugs and die. some people.

i’m Flying High. feeling like the Top of the world. i like feeling like a Child even though i am not. this feels like a Christmas that never ends. this feels like there are no Problems in the world. this feels like i am still Alive. i am drooling on the dorm room Floor.

imagine it’s 1957 and you go to the Record shop next to the grocery store (where You were Just picking up a Few things) and you see "NEW! THE CHRISTMAS ALBUM BY ELVIS PRESLEY" on a Little cardboard Sign and you say huh I guess That might be good to have for when we have some company this weekend, so you Buy it, what the heck it’s Christmas isn’t it, and then you Get home and you put the groceries on the Counter and you put the record on and the Needle scratches and “Blue Christmas” comes on, and suddenly a wave of Sadness comes across you in a way you Weren’t really expecting “I’ll have a Blue Christmas without youuuuu” and you slide your back into the Chair next to the stereo and you know that You’re supposed to Be a bit more happy because It’s Christmas after all, the halls are decked, etc. etc., Jesus was born for your sins and you believe this With all of your Heart, but you just hear Elvis saying “without You” over and Over, as if the Record was scratching on this Particular part and making a Loop (it's Not) and you can’t shake the overwhelming feeling that that’s what This Christmas (and every Other day for that matter) really is—Without You, and nothing More.

and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and your smile and

and Then You hear yourself say “this is Terrible” and “this is all I got”, and “I really miss you” and before you know it you’re crying and you have to put the Record on pause (but not off, because you don’t want to have to hear this Particular Song again) and you go and sit in the Bathtub and cry for a few hours and you don’t know how long it is because the Clock on the wall is ticking so loud that you can’t tell if it’s 2 minutes or 20 and then you get out of the Bathtub, you go back to the record, and you put it on, and you hear Elvis again “Blue Christmas” and then You hear yourself say “what Am I doing” and you can’t take it anymore and you throw the Record at the Ceiling and you smash it and then you sit on the Floor and you start to cry again, but this time You cry harder and You lean against the Box the Record came in and you cry until it feels like you’re gonna die and you think of all the People you have ever Known and you think of all the People you have ever Loved and how many of them are still here and how many of them were a mistake and how many of them are a mistake that you can’t get out of your Head because they’re there right now and you don’t know what to do about it.

your smile.

i've Been actively trying not to Think about you. i have been Praying the rosary once, if not Twice a day. the rosary is Like meditating. i can Feel the holy Spirit entering me. i want to Be filled with the Holy spirit as Much as possible. because it's Honestly not That hard to forget someone if i block the Senses and the Things (like the Little lights) but then November hits and it all comes Rushing back and i Remember things i Didn't even Know i Forgot, things i Didn't even notice the First time around, or even care About, but all of a sudden they are the Most important things in the World, and i would kill Someone just to smell your Rice or remember what Pattern that wallpaper in the bathroom had or laugh at the way you drag out the ends of english wordsssss when you’re Trying to make a point. these are the Most important things in the World and i can't Believe i forgot them even for a few Moments and i can't believe i Lived a few Novembers without relishing them.

i start to Remember when i was in Switzerland with you when i was in Ancient Rome with you when i was in the Middle East with you when i was in the Caribbean with you when i was in the Arctic Circle with you when i was in the Desert with you when we were never in Any of these Places at all when the only life we’ve ever known was The Apartment with yellow walls and Bedbugs that made us itch until we bled but i’m floating and i know Just Know that these will be my last Breaths on earth and i can Imagine. we were in Seoul and you said you felt like a Girl again.

the Thing about little Lights in late November, is that they're Everywhere. red. Green. red. Green. and that's why you're there Every Christmas too. you're my Tradition, the one I can't get Rid of. i'm Left to wonder what I left for you if i left Anything at all. it keeps me up at night, thinking about the things i could've done Different. i'm sorry i didn't mail you a Present and i'm sorry i didn't call you on Christmas day. i'm sorry i forgot about you this year. 

Hail, Mary, full of grace
the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God
pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death
Amen

This prayer was given to Saint Mechtilde, a 13th-century Benedictine nun, in a vision of the Blessed Virgin Mary.